You have to admire the persistence of many Mitt Romney supporters in the aftermath of their unsuccessful effort November 6. Or, to put it less euphemistically, it’s hard to believe the bullheaded stubbornness of these crazy cracker idiots. Whereas most Republicans grumbled a bit and let it go when the incumbent amassed 332 electoral votes, contrary to what they thought the polls were showing, a tiny cadre of willful ideologues is apparently going to go on fighting the 2012 election.
One such is a guy named Dean Chambers, who was all up in the meaning of the voter surveys with his website, Unskewed Polls. Using his own secret blend of Arabic numerals, he recalculated all the poll figures that showed Romney losing, turning them into polls that showed Romney winning 51% of the popular and 275 of the electoral votes.
When that didn’t happen, Chambers acknowledged his math was off, then promptly set up a new website called Barack OFraudo, contending that the president won the states of Pennsylvania, Florida, Ohio and Virginia by underhanded means. (On the site’s map, those states are neither red nor blue, but black. Subtle.)
Chambers points to anomalies such as 59 precincts in inner Philadelphia that recorded zero votes for Romney—in 2008, 57 goose-egged John McCain, notes Slate’s David Weigel—but is hard-pressed to come up with concrete data to back his claims of ballot box-stuffing and vote scamming by Democrats. “Odds are quite likely, to maximize their odds of succeeding in getting President Obama elected, that they engaged in all of the above,” is the proof positive the unskewed pollster offers on his website.
So much for the academic side of election deniers. Let us consider men of action like Derrick B. of Mobile, who seems to be the point man in a drive to have Alabama secede from the Union. Again.
As a means of eliciting public opinion, in 2011 the Obama administration set up a web page entitled “We the People” on the White House site. Through this page, one can submit a petition on any subject, to be signed by supporters, and if a petition nets 25,000 signatures, it will be forwarded to the appropriate policy cabal within the White Hose for a mandatory response.
The petitions span a wide political swath, from immigration reform and decriminalization of drugs to freedom of light bulb choice and requiring the National Park Service to allow camping to all self-propelled visitors even if the campground is full. (Surprisingly, only 478 signatures so far for that latter petition.)
Three days after the election, Derrick B. (no last name given) signed on at “We The People” with a petition entitled, “Peacefully grant the State of Alabama to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.” Derrick’s impassioned plea has garnered over 30,000 signatures, a hefty percentage from people who don’t even live in Alabama.
Though that number represents only .01% of the state population, even if all the signatures came from within the state, I felt compelled to inquire into this burgeoning separatist sentiment, and that meant a visit with my go-to source for disaffection with democracy, retired ex-general Mushmeal Fishmouth, the least decorated officer in U.S. Army history. When I arrived at the general’s fortified mini-mansion in North Shelby County, he was busy with needle and thread.
Weld: Is that a set of Confederate dress grays you’re sewing on?
General Fishmouth: We’re getting’ the band back together, baby! These got a little snug in the special place since the last time I had ‘em on, so I’m doin’ a little alteration.
Weld: When’s the last time you wore your Confederate uniform?
GF: Last week at Wal-Mart. I led an early morning charge to the discounted Samsung flat-screens.
Weld: So I take it that, after the re-election of the president, you’re now in favor of secession?
GF: Naw, I was in favor of secession way before that. I think the first time was when Bo Bice lost to Carrie Underwood on American Idol. Who’d want to stay in the Union after that?
Weld: After what happened last time, why would you want Alabama to secede again?
GF: I think the only problem we had was that when we separated from the Union last time, we didn’t separate far enough. They were able to reach us with all those cannons and cavalry and suchlike. It really put a crimp in the Confederacy being a whole ‘nother nation.
Weld: And is that the plan this time? To join with Texas and Florida and the rest of the red states to create a new sovereign nation?
GF: I’m not so sure. Last go-‘round, we had genuine statesmen to lead us, like Jeff Davis and Alexander Stephens. This time, you could wind up with Haley Barbour or Honey Boo Boo. The talent pool’s a little shallower. It might be a better idea to just declare ourselves the United States of Alabama and keep it down home, cuz.
Weld: Did you happen to see the movie Lincoln?
GF: I don’t go in much for science fiction. Though I heard Sally Field made a perfect harpy wife for ol’ Abe. I remember her with Burt in Smokey and the Bandit. She didn’t even look shrewish.
Weld: You do realize that if you withdraw from the Union, that’s going to mean the end of federal money coming into the state. According to Mother Jones, 2010 Census data reveals that Alabama gets $2.03 back for each tax dollar it sends to Washington.
GF: And that there’s another reason to secede. Them Yankees is fiscally irresponsible.
Weld: And once you’re out of the Union, I guess the federal army won’t be obliged to pay you that substantial military pension, will they?
GF: Upon further review, the decision on the field stands: God bless the USA!
